Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
