FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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