that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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