i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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