I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize