My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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