I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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