I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
