just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Found your dick twin last night
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
