OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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