I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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