Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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