i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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