@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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