dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
