shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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