I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
