I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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