I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Randomize
