just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
