I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
