Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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