I heard we made out
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
