Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
