Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We need a shit load of segways right now
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
