are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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