We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
