Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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