wakey wakey hands off snakey
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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