Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
