Moan for me like Helen Keller
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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