he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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