I think my fart just growled at me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
