Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
