Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So here I am, sexting at work.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
