I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
