we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Randomize
