Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it hurts more in the daytime
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
