I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
