tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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