im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
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