Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
