I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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