There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
