i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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