I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
