Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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