I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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