I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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