went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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