kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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