come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
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