Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
