That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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