so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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