They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
