What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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