hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
